Why Programming My Super Computer A.I. to be Female Was The Worst Mistake I've Ever Made

Consider this: you've just made the biggest mistake of your life by accidentally bringing about the doom of mankind, and it's been about six months to date since you've had any kind of interaction with another human being, and unfortunately hormones did not disappear with the 99.9999% of human populace on the planet. If things couldn't get any worse, then perhaps a man could learn to live with his solitude.

But things could get worst. Much worst. So much more worse that a man would consider castration as a appreciable alternative to his predicament.

Why did I program my super computer's AI to be female?

I guess I thought it was a good idea at the time. I thought about all the great ideas I'd seen in the sexy sci-fi fan fiction I'd read in my adolescent days. I thought about waking up to hear that sultry female voice say, "Good Morning, Dave" even though my name is Tom. I thought about sex with a robot. But I never once thought about living in close proximity with a female artificial intelligence for the remainder of my life whilst all other humans have long since been exterminated at my own hands.

It's the one mistake I'll never be able to live with, and yet I have to. I have to wake up every morning to my robot companion saying, "Good Morning, Dave" and, with frustration at my body's natural tendencies fueling my rage, curse at the robot and say "My name is Tom!!" meanwhile struggling to suppress my now physically obvious desires. I have to live with a female who will never really be human, who will never understand my longing, who will never understand why my pants "seem to shrink" while she/it touches me, oh so humanly.

Why? I could've made it a best bud! I could've made it a dude who likes beer (that's really stale), watching sports (despite them being games long ended, won by players long deceased), and playing cards (even though I would program the robot to suck so I would always win, but I wouldn't feel bad, because I would program it to be happy anyway). I could've lived with that.

But I can't live with this. I can't live with the constant sexual tension, and kinkiness thereof.

On the hand, I can't live with the femininity! The estrogen I programmed into Sapphire (what I named my robot) is starting to reek in this place!

"Why do you always assume since you programmed me to do the dishes that you can discard all responsibilities?" "What does it mean when I press this button and it says 'System Failure'?" "Do you really think I'm pretty?"

God, I can't stand it! Don't forget to dust the keyboard. You can't go outside without your biosuit honey, the fallout from your fatal error is still dangerous. Will you ever commit?!

I've thought about ways to end it. I've though about destroying her and being over with it, but can I really rid myself of my only sentient interaction, my only friend? And the robot sex is pretty amazing.

No, I can't destroy her. I suppose I'll just have to get used to the idea of being married to a strikingly human robot. But then again, I also programmed her to realistically experience the physical and mental aspects of PMS.

Attention!

This message will self destruct in thirty seconds, so I will be brief.

I know this is going to sound really far fetched, and it may not give me quite the highest reputation with you, whoever you are, but you have to believe me when I say this true. You may have seen the effects already. You may already be dead. But if you are dead, then...there's really no point in reading this--Okay, I seriously need to pull myself together here...okay...deep breaths...okay, here we go...

My name is Thomas McKee, and I have inadvertently set in motion the end of humanity.

Now, wait, before you go jumping to any bold conclusions about this, let me clear up some things: First and foremost, I am pro-humanity. Being human myself, I have developed a strong attachment to the species. Granted, there have been people I have known that I have wished, hoped, maybe even prayed, would die from time to time, I would never be so bold or stupid as to wish that on the entire human race. Plus, I have this inherent compulsion to avoid doing anything that might somehow lead to my death. I like being alive! I mean, it beats the alternative.

So, with that out of the way, let me say that I'm fairly certain I can fix this. And by fairly certain I mean I'm really hoping that I can come up with some way to fix this. And by that, I mean we're most likely screwed. But being the optimist I am, and being ridiculously obsessive compulsive about staying not dead, I'm hoping that with your help we can save the planet.

I know that the more I talk the harder it is getting to trust me, but I'm the one who screwed us over and I'm the only one who knows how to stop it. So, here's the plan. First, we